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“As your faith is strengthened, you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit.”
Emmanuel Teney

I started this blog because I had this crazy idea that I could help others by sharing with them my life struggles. The optimist in me wants to believe that others need to know that they are not alone in whatever they are going through. However, what I have now found to be true, is that it is way easier to encourage others when everything is flowing smoothly and according to plan.

The past week has been emotionally challenging for me. Every time I pick up the pen to write I go blank. I needed someone to encourage me. I was emotionally drained and tired. Then I thought to myself, this is the perfect time to write. I can truly share my heart and somehow find the strength I needed to carry on. After all, positive energy is needed when you feel like there is nothing to be positive about.

Have yo ever wished someone else could feel the pain that you feeling? That way you don’t have to try and explain anything to anyone. I wish you could feel my pain, but then again you have your own pain so I won’t burden you down with mine. Maybe this article is just for my eyes only, but you are more than welcome to listen in on what is going on behind the scenes.

I have tried so hard to do my best. But is seems like my best is not good enough. Looking around all I see are my many failures. Disappointments, setbacks and obstacles. The more I try, is the more I fail. At what point will it be alright to consider myself a failure?

Could this be a test, or a sick practical joke? Where are the hidden cameras?

Sometimes I just don’t feel like I can make it through another day. So if this is a test or a practical joke I am not in the mood. The pain I feel on the inside is worse than the labor pain I felt giving birth to my daughter. At least, when the pain got to be too unbearable the doctor had compassion on me by giving me a dose of epidural to numb the pain. No such luck this time. I have to endure this pain, and drink from this bitter cup. My tears keep failing like the pouring rain, it would stop for a minute and then start again. My sky is over cast, grey clouds cover the sun for a brighter tomorrow, and the howling winds keep whispering, “this gloominess is to be your faith.”

I have had more losses than I care to remember. I started out on this quest to pursue my passion and make a living doing what I love most–photography. But it has not easy, I am not getting as much business as I need and I am struggling to market myself to a wider audience. Partly because the insecure side of me, keeping letting me know I am not as good as the other established photographers. Now I am faced with this dilemma of going back to what appears to be safe, a 9-5. Wow! after all I have been through, I am considering quitting on my dreams yet again. I promised myself the last time that I would not give up on myself again. It’s easy to quit,and I have given up too many times before. Based on my track record, people expect me to quit when things get rough –there has to be a better solution to my dilemma that quitting!

My mind is on a emotionally roller coaster. I can’t stop the tears from falling. I am having panic attacks. I am consumed by fear and anxiety, to make matters worse I have to struggle and walk this lonely road alone.

Can anyone even see me, or see the pain?

I don’t think so.

I get to understand that when people look at me, all they see is the confident woman that I suppose to be. They don’t see the struggles going on on the inside as I navigate my way through my many changes.

I am stuck in an emotional vortex of what should have been and what could be. This wasn’t the life I planned.

I wish I could run away, but to where?  Anywhere I go, I still have to carry my luggage of pain. I don’t want to, but it is mine.

I was born of a woman. Got an education. Had all my wishes come through. Had my world shattered into pieces. Now I have to pick up the fragments of my life and start all over again.

Can someone help me?

I am scared.

Can I do this again?

Do I have enough wind beneath my wings to soar again like an eagle?

These are the questions I ask myself.

What keeps me going, when I don’t want to get out of bed? 

My faith. I don’t know how some people make it without believing in a power higher than them self. If I am to be totally honest, I don’t think I would want to keep living if I didn’t have the hope and assurance that even though weeping may endure for a long time, joy is sure to come in the morning. Looking back on everything, life is so much more than what I thought it should be. For a long time, I measured my self worth based on what I had, my station in life and who I was with.

I thought my world would have ended when my marriage came to an end. I talk about it a lot because, that was what I used as my measuring stick of having made it. As a little girl, all I wanted was to be called Mrs. in addition to having the house, car and children. If I had all those things. I was good. But here I am 6 years later divorced and living the single life again. I get very lonely sometimes. I wish I had someone to call me baby and tell me how he loves me, but that is not my reality now. I just refuse to get involved with another person, just because I don’t want to be alone. When the right person comes along for me, he will be able to find a woman that is whole and complete. The things that use to bother me in my relationship don’t anymore. Being single have afforded me the  opportunity to put things in perspective. At the end of the day, I have to ask myself, will this all matter in a week, or is this argument worth staying mad over? So much more I have learned about love, that I will share with you some other time. But for now, I will leave you with this – choose your battles. Decide if what you have is worth fighting for.

There are so many things that have been revealed to me as a result of the trying times I have to live through. Lessons, I would not have known had I not walked this road. I don’t always feel like carrying on, but giving up is not an option for me today. Things will get better for me and for you. Like nature we too have to go through our seasons. Sometimes it seems like winter will never leave, but one day the snow must melt and make room for spring.

In the midst of your pain, take courage, your break through is on its way. Choose to stand even when your strength is gone. You might stumble a few more times, but don’t give up. Keep crying if you have to, but don’t stop hoping and believing for a brighter tomorrow. Nothing that is happening right now is by chance. There is things you need to learn from your trials, but in the end, all things will work together for your good.

If this rambling of mine has some how inspired you, I would love to hear your thoughts. I am sure we can encourage each other as we go through our changing seasons.

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